Sleeping...or lack thereof

it's currently 4:38 am, and I'm sitting here writing this entry. not sleeping.

it seems that the older I get, the harder it is for me to get through a night without waking up and being awake for some significant time. Well, I had told someone on my trip to NYC it seems as though I haven't had a good night's sleep since I had Makena, but the problem really started before then. I used to wake up and go out to the couch and either watch tv, read, etc until I was sleepy enough to fall back asleep. pissed Jay off...he used to say that I didn't like sleeping with him. Truth was, our old bed sucked and my back would end up hurting (thank goodness for the sweet sleeper bed!), which would make me get up and relocate. I would get a better sleep on the sofa (god, I miss that sofa!).

now that jay is gone and makena is my new bunkmate (yet another blog...sleep issues are so huge with us), I end up getting up again. this time, long enough to get sleepy and go back to bed. it's usually the same deal - wake up from the sound of either Mary licking herself, judy scratching herself in the living room, makena kicking me in the back, or just plain having to pee as was today. if I don't get back to sleep immediately - if I give myself any time to just allow a thought to slip into my mind, forget about it.

so, now i'm awake. i try to watch some tv, hoping I'll get sleepy. nope, doesn't work. I get up and get a glass of ovaltine, hoping it will make me sleepy (sometimes it works, today - no). then I'll go to the computer. i try and not "do" too much...then I'll REALLY be awake, but if you're wide awake and the dishes from dinner the night before are staring at you in the face, it's hard to turn away and leave them be. After all, who else is going to clean them, right?

so, here I am...it's 5:01...two hours after I woke up. i'm now getting into that deadly territory of being afraid TO go back to sleep...for fear of how I'll feel when I wake up. And this is my life ON Lexapro (anti depressant and anti anxiety). Can you imagine how thoughts raced through my mind last year when I didn't know if I was going to have a job, what I should do about getting another one, Jay throws a veiled threat if I try and move away with makena TO get a job...it's a wonder I EVER slept.

Being an adult sucks sometimes.

but, as long as squirt sleeps well and through the night, that's the most important thing. Lately I've been thinking of my parents, wondering if they had sleepless nights like this when I was a kid...when Daddy was sick, during the 70's recession, etc...I never felt afraid for the future or like I wasn't protected (well, with the exception of when my Dad had his heart attack on the mountain)...they might have been scared and worried, but they didn't show it to me. They might have had sleepless nights, up watching TV, but I didn't know it. I hope that Makena doesn't know it, either.